Ooops, I crapped my pants!
So call it strange, but for some reason, I'm fascinated with prescription drug ads, or more specifically, the side effects to look for. You know, that long list of possibilities that they throw in at the end of the ad. You could cure your toe fungus but suffer acute liver failure or improve your asthma but suffer chronic and severe nose bleeds. I especially enjoy the part of the ad where they advise that a drug not be taken under certain circumstances like a heart problem or pregnancy. Then they advise you to tell your doctor of these conditions. Ummm...shouldn't my doctor know if I have a weak heart or if I'm pregnant? If I have to tell him or her, I'm taking their degree down off the wall and taking it home with me 'cause there's a new doctor in town.

I'd like to turn your attention to one specific drug ad, Zelnorm, which is used to treat digestive issues. Their list of side effects has me nervous. At the end of their ad with happy people reavealing their tummies, it suggests that a side effect might be diarrhea accompanied by dizziness or fainting. Is that some kind of joke? Only a doctor or researcher with a sick sense of humor could come up with that one. So essentially, if you wake up on the floor somehwere, be it your apartment, your office or even your local coffee shop, and you realize that you've also crapped your pants, cease taking Zelnorm and call your doctor. I think I'd endure constipation over the risk of fainting while crapping my pants in public.

I'd also like to offer for consideration prescriptions like Cialis and Viagara. The irony in that situation is that it's for guys who can't get it up, but a side effect is not being able to get it down. The cautionary tale at the end of the ad? Seek medical attention if your erection lasts 4 hours or more. So really, what do you say when you get to the doctor's office? 'Can you help me with my boner?' What's he/she going to do? Do I even want to know? I think the prospect of having to seek medical attention might be enough to deflate the situation. (I know, gratuitous pun!)

My conclusion? Stick to hard core street drugs. They never list the side effects for those ones.