Flossy-Flossaaaay!

So I've decided that there are areas of my life that I can excel, dare I say over achieve in. Flossing is one of them. I decided to take my dentist's perpetually ignored advice and start flossing. I figured, this is one simple area that I can master. I have a cleaning on Wednesday that I'm actually looking forward to. For once, I'll be on the 'Good' list.

SWF and Thick to boot!

I think online dating sites should have a page where it explains what is exactly meant by the proposed body types they give on their profile pages. I'd like to see some diagrams. They can even get hip and do them Apple style with a colorful background and silhouette. So then they can also offer prefab responses to those who lie about their body type: 'Thanks for your interest in my profile but unfortunately, you're lying about your body type, which has vast social implications and reflects on your morals. Good luck!'

To Everything, Turn, Turn, Turn

So I was coming up with one of my baffling yet brilliant pyramid schemes when I needed to do the math to find out how many hours there are in a year. There's only 8,760 hours. I thought there'd be more...

Oh New England...

The great part about New England is that we embrace our 4 seasons...just not while we're in each respective season. Example: I still get iced coffees and have ice cream outside in the winter. Usually thought of as a summer treat, New Englanders know no calendar. To further this point, I was walking to work today, which happens to be a nice spring day of about 60 degrees, and there's a guy outside his apartment smoking a butt with no shirt on. Okay, yes, it's warmer but it's not shirt off weather yet. Doesn't matter. We're in New England. Our spiritual calendar is slightly askew from the Farmer's Almanac.

Gym Etiquette - or Lack thereof...

So I've been working out to fit into my favorite spring break outfit...

3 weeks ago: I was walking into the gym and when I scanned my tag and walked by, the woman at the desk started calling after me. 'Excuse me, Alison!?' For some reason I ignored her (I like to pretend I'm alone at the gym) so she chased me down and right in front of the manager, she asks me if I'm Alison. I say yes, to which she responds, 'Oh, sorry, you just don't look like your picture.' Okay, you either have to be super made up or look like total a$$ to not look like your gym picture and you can guess which one applied.

2 weeks ago: I was walking by a guy at the gym and I didn't notice his water next to him on the floor and I kicked it across the gym...and then ran after it and brought it back. It was awkward. He had a lot of tattoos.

1 week ago: There's a sign up sheet at the front desk for spin class since there's a limited amount of bikes. I notice the manager behind the front desk as I'm signing up for class. As I take my spin pass, the manager asks me how I'm doing and I realize that I've just written 'Spin' for my name on the sign up sheet. So I say 'Ha, I wrote 'Spin' for my name.'

Yesterday: For some reason, after spin class, I forgot to return my spin pass and took it home..and they're numbered! They're these big laminated pieces of neon blue and orange paper and I walked out with one. I have Spin 6 in my car. I can just imagine returning it. 'Ummm...I took this home yesterday be accident. Can I keep it as a bookmark?'

On a completely unrelated note (and by unrelated, I mean got this result in a search for 'leotard' on Google images):

Is this child abuse?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...?

So I've discovered a new measure for health. Before we used the old standbys of weight, blood pressure, cholesterol levels, etc. But I've discovered a far superior, more scientifically accurate method. How many lint roller sheets does it take you to de-lint? Think about it. We're talking surface area. What is the size of your land mass? Get a true measure of how much space you're taking up in the world and whether you're hogging a little too much real estate.

The lint roller test can also diagnose another, possibly related health issue. If you have a high sheet count, and it's only partially due to weight, how many cats do you have? There are several extended details that would need to be collected to get a full diagnosis of this secondary health issue. Do you live alone? Do you live with your parents? Do you talk to the cats? Do you take them on walks wearing cat harnesses? Do you push them in a baby carriage?

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ADVERTISING
It's worse than you think

Okay, so it just hit me the other day that certain products have to be advertised so passive aggressively because of their purpose. Example: Cialis and Viagara. You can't actually show what it's for, so instead they show you unrealistically good looking people for their age running around like teenagers. Gee, we know what they just did.

Or take a toilet paper commercial. You can't show someone wiping their filthy ass so instead they pour mysterious blue liquid onto the TP and then show a figure of a hand that didn't get wet with the leading brand. Ummm...so that's blue piss? Same goes for diaper ads and don't even get me going on feminine hygiene products.

Preparation H anyone? Or how about Herpes medication (Valtrex kayaking and Mayan Riviera outbreaks? Why are the people on Valtrex ads always on some sort of happy adventure vacation? Look what being adventurous got them!) Or what about K-Y? It always has these read the paper on Sunday mornings with our matching sweatsuits on type couples that all of a sudden get randy faces on them at the sight of the lube bottle. WTF is up with that angle?

There's my long awaited commentary for you.