Shout out to all the fatties at my gym: stop walking around and get your ass on a machine. Just being in the vicinity of the gym is not exercise. You will not burn calories talking to coworkers or stopping to check out ESPN on the overhead monitors. Stop doing laps like you're selecting a machine or you've just been bench pressing in some magically invisible room and you've returned to rest up before your next set. I've seen you at my gym for ages and you're still fat. Apparently ordering a diet coke with your Value Meal at McD's isn't cutting the mustard. And the gym is not your social club. Do I look like I want to talk to you? No. It's a fitness club, operative word being 'fit'. So get on your horse thunderthighs and burn some friggin calories. Otherwise, save money on your gym membership and invest in industrial strength plastics because you're gonna need them.


Jobs that I'd be great at: gym manager, personal trainer, motivational speaker, nutritionist, self help therapist