Ever wonder how long birds and squirrels would live if they weren’t constantly getting run over or electrocuted? Who knows? They could have the tortoise beat by a decade if we’d stop mowing them down while they humbly search for scraps of food to subsist on. And they revert to power lines to escape death by motor vehicle on the ground, only to get enough voltage to power a condo community shot through them. Can’t we all just get along? We do our part by providing feeders and baths but in reality, that’s just PR to cover up the millions of senseless deaths each year.

Now the interesting part: Why has no one stopped this genocide? HMMMM? Since the dawn of time, birds and squirrels have been the transporters of diseases and in recent times, have been used to transport heavy narcotics across the southern border of the U.S. The CIA, FBI and NSA all agree that these animals have been used more in recent years to transport lethal computer viruses and chips with confidential information concerning the drinking and dancing habits of certain high ranking officials. An anonymous source went as far as to theorize that there may even be footage of the president himself engaging in what is suspected to be the Macarena. Speculation suggests that further footage involving the Electric Slide and the Hokey Pokey exist.

Watchdogs have been deployed to monitor the movement of Canadian geese, once thought to be the Switzerland of the bird community. Recent activity suggests that with the growing healthcare crisis in the U.S. and the cost of prescription drugs on the rise, Canada’s recent jump in pharmaceutical activity may be due to illegal border crossing by our feathered friends from the north. Angry U.S. citizens who do not believe in cross border pharmaceutical trade have begun petitioning the removal of Geese Crossing signage nationwide and a taskforce to further the movement has been formed: Amercians Against the Transport of Pharmaceuticals by Winged Couriers from Canada (AATPWCC). Personally, I think they need to work on their name. Signs have been seen recently in business and home windows bearing messages like “Go Home Geese!”, “Don’t you migrate here!”, and “Geese are Gay!”

In other towns where squirrels are more prevalent, signs are surfacing with statements like “Eat my nuts and die!”, “This nut AIN’T for you!”, and “Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut and Sometimes You Want Squirrels Out of Your Friggin Country!” (that one was a little long in my opinion). The White House has remained suspiciously silent when questioned about this growing phenomenon. However, until the problem is officially identified and contained, the White House is apparently relying on private citizens to continue the population control of these furry and feathered drug couriers.

A statement is expected from the White House any day now. Of course, if the statement is written by Mr. President, we expect that statement will need some editing.

Seacrest, out!