About a 7.3 on the Annoying Richter Scale

When someone holds a door for you, but they're actually really far ahead of you. And they stand there waiting, holding the door, a total stranger. And then you're like, great. Now I have to hustle up on a Monday morning because this person grew a set of manners and is holding the door for me 100 yards away. And then your next thought? Shit, this is my company's front door so the person holding the door is gonna want to do the, 'good morning, happy monday! how was your weekend' bullshit nonsense.

You'll be happy to know I've found a solution to avoiding the above scenario. Next time it happens to you, instead of hustling, take your time, pretend you don't know they're even holding the door for you. When you get to the door, say something like, "Oh, I didn't see you! If I'd known you were holding the door, I would have hustled. By the way, I had a dream this weekend and you were in it. You look good naked."

Then just breeze on by, and hold the next door for them. Look them up and down and nod to yourself with a smile.

What about Dick?

When you name a child Richard, you have several options as to their nickname: Rick, Ricky, Rich, Richie, Bob and Dick (okay, technically not Bob but I feel like in extreme cases, Bob can be substituted when necessary.) That last option, Dick, should never be an option. I'm sorry. I'm not mature. I will never be mature enoughto stifle the giggle that comes out every time I find out someone's name is Dick. So to all you Dicks out there, I recommend introducing yourself as Richard and letting those around you select a nickname. And the ones that elect to call you Dick are real dicks anyways.