So I was at church the other day - yes, they let me in - and I realized that all the hymns ever invented are completely out of my singing range. I essentially end up lying in church because I'm either lip synching or taking credit for the old lady's singing behind me.

Pretty Woman
"Oh Honey, I've got a runner in my pantyhose. (giggle) I'm not wearing pantyhose... ...Well color me happy! There's a sofa in here for two!!!" Pretty Woman, 1990

I'm wearing a t-shirt at work that says 'Cowboy take me away.'



(If that isn't a cry for help, I don't know what is. )

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you THE CARLTON.

'I would do anything for love, but I won't do that. No, I won't do that!'

What is that, Meatloaf? For the love of Pete, what is that?

DON'T HASSLE THE 'HOFF

So I talked to your dad the other day. Yeah, he seemed kind of pissed. Apparently, the annual carnival is in town and for some reason this year, they're only charging two tickets to ride your mom.

Found at an undisclosed Chelmsford Residence:

Even more compelling is the song selection:


The question is, how did this end up in my parents' desk at home? The origin of this tape puzzles me more than the meaning of life, the 7 Wonders of the World, and male nipples.

The Gym - A Social Paradox

Have you ever noticed the strange behavior of some individuals at the gym? For some reason, all rules of social propriety are off once you slip into some spandex and sneakers. Yesterday, I had this guy walk up to the cardio machine I was on and use it as a stretching area. He put his leg up onto the front hand rest bars of the machine I was on and started stretching his hamstrings. Now, the machine I was on was slightly elevated, so this guy's leg is basically at eye level and he stretching and sighing and I've never wanted to box someone in the nuts so bad. WTF was he doing? And he wasn't even that flexible! He could barely get his leg up there. And there's a stretch area at the gym specifically for that purpose. I looked to my right to get sympathy from my neighbor, only to find that it was Sammy Snot Rocket, the guy who blows his nose on the gym hand towels.

I finally escape these assholes, only to find a little Asian guy asleep on a mat in the middle of the stretching area. A woman I most definitely did not know then walks buy and waves emphatically at me, and I decide I have had enough weirdness for one night. I go to the women's locker room to retrieve my gym bag, only to have a naked woman start asking me how the weather's supposed to be for the weekend. Sorry, lady. I can't hear you over YOUR BUSH!

AAAAHHHH!

R.I.P. Gene Pitney

No Gene, it isn't very pretty what a town without pity can do.

Eddie Money 4 EVA