Hmmmm...New Years. An interesting holiday. A time when it's totally feasible and encouraged to kiss someone, ANYONE, at the stroke of 12, be it significant other, friend of a friend, or bar employee.

I survived Christmas '05.

and another random thought, First Response pregnancy test says it can report pregnancy earlier than other tests, up to 5 days before your missed period. What kind of logic is that? How do you know you missed it 5 days before you miss it. That's like taking Nyquil a week before you get a cold. What? Hello? Where am I? And who is doing the product research over at First Response? Maybe it's some crazy tricked out form of reverse psychology. They'll market it in such a way that women think, if I can find out 5 days BEFORE I miss my period, then maybe I should buy one just in case and take it 5 days before my period every month in case I miss it. Jump back! How do they do that?

Somedays when life gets a little too complicated, I think, 'maybe I do want to start at the top at Blaine!'

Maybe their ads are wearing me down. Hmmmm....


and another, totally random thought: they were talking about tom and katie's possible wedding in the grand cayman's over the holidays. even though the couple denies the rumors, tabloid teams from all the majors have been dispatched to the island. That island just got a huge boost in tourism just by a RUMOR that they MIGHT be getting married there. If a hollywood rumor has that much power, maybe they can start a rumor that's actually productive for a change.

Do you ever wonder if your life would have held more opportunities if you were one of a twin or a triplet? Think of all the twins and triplets who get stuff because they're identical and the public's fascination with clones is so unnending. Olsen Twins? I mean, I know they're hot now, but let's be honest. As their agent back in 1986, would you have predicted the phenomenon that is the Olsen Twins now, based on the monkey babies then? I highly doubt it. Then there's unneding porn and beer ad opportunities, the 'Parent Trap' revivals, and department store commercials. THEN, to add insult to injury, if you're twins and you're CONJOINED, well then all eyes are on you, buddies. Not only do you look alike, but you share your kidneys! Super cool!


I know I'm sick. Please don't mention this to my mom.

As I sit here reclining in bed, trusty Miller lite at my side, lap top all fired up, I begin to wax philosophical. Let's be honest, wireless internet and light American beers inspire deep thought. So I endeavor to solve one of the many mysteries plaguing the minds of avid celebrity obsessed Americans nationwide. Why this rash of pregnant celebrities and new moms? Well, gather round kittens and prepare to be impressed. The recent pregnancy craze is actually a direct correlate of another celebrity trend: thin. Thin is in and going to unhealthy heights is one of the newest ways to put yourself on the map. Short of getting engaged for a small spell, dropping weight is the surest way to get noticed. So how to escape the waif whirlwind? Get pregnant. It's the only excusable reason in Hollywood to actually eat and gain weight. So basically maternity is the new vacation - a 9 month ticket to the buffet line and a get out of yogalates free card. But I'm sure as they hit the 9 month marker, their publicist, agent and whoever else have already reminded them that the vacay is over and it's back to salad and soy lattes, suckas.

This video is frickin awesome!

Get ready for your Trekky Alert!

Schmeggs03 (6:55:30 PM): i was on the elevator leaving work
Schmeggs03 (6:55:39 PM): and this guy meant to hit one, but hit three
Schmeggs03 (6:56:26 PM): but so the guys friend embarrassed him and said, "sorry, we didn't mean to stop at three, but someone hit the button"
Schmeggs03 (6:57:09 PM): and the guy says, "you know, you'd think they'd be able to invent an elevator where you can deselect your floor choice....they can make a seedless watermelon, but they can't make an elevator where you can deselect."

You ever notice that the ads during certain television programs are tailored to the assumed audience?

I'm watching a movie on Fox. There were three diet commercials in a row. Ummmmmmmmmm...

If you're ever in real dire need of enterainment and you have digital cable, i have found your salvation. go to the On Demand main menu, select 'Life & Home' and then select 'Dating on Demand.' You can choose all these different age brackets and basically it's an On Demand library of people making asses of themselves. I have a feeling most of the video personal ads were filmed at bars, conventions and reunions. Everyone is so shitfaced and they can barely speak. The quote of the week goes to FalconFan1111 with 'i think i'd make a good president because i'd love to be with a lady in the oral office.' how is this man not married yet? the description for his ad is: 'Likes watching football, p laying football and hot sexy women "who strive to be the best that htey can."' What a fine specimen of humanity.

Technology is such a wonder.

You'd never know we're related based on this story about my dad. Click the first link under the People section on the bottom left.

You know something has hit an all time high level of phenomenon when your mother turns to you and says: "I was at Costco the other day and you know what they had? 2 pallets of of X-Boxes! Can you believe that? They had four employees guarding them. Now that I'm thinking about it, I should have gone back and bought one. I could make a fortune on E-bay!"

Thank you X-Box for being the straw that broke the camel's back and catapulted my mom into the online world of reselling and other debauchery. Christmas should be a blast.

I'd like to dispel a popular myth that's been spreading in offices nationwide: 'secret santa swaps' are NOT amusing. I am horrified at the thought of who in my office may be responsible for my present. I'm banking on receiving a travel mug or some form of body wash set from Bath and Body Works (who doesn't get at least 3 of those every Christmas?). I feel bad for whoever got my boss in the swap. That's pressure. You have a shot of skipping the Ass Kissing Line and going straight to the front of the competition. OR you screw up royally and people start a pool of how long it takes til you get fired.

I'd ask if you've ever given a thought to the subject matter I'm about to discuss but I highly doubt you have. If I'm wrong about this, then you've had a jumpstart on sorting out this conundrum and I expect some well thought out remarks.

Who invented women's hosiery sizing? It really is a strange set up. Some of the sizing charts list 'Size A' (smallest), 'Size B' (medium), and 'Size Q' (huge). Where the F did the Q come from? I'm fairly certain it's meant to stand for Queen size, which is a rather odd term to use for women's hosiery, decidedly so since the name was already in use to describe a rather large bed. So the only way to get your queen title other than marrying Prince William or dressing in drag is to gain enough wait to catapult you into this illustrious area on the L'eggs sizing chart.



This post is a testament to the fact that my brain is swiftly being eroded by factors that will remain unspoken but you can take guess at what those might be.

Shout out to all the fatties at my gym: stop walking around and get your ass on a machine. Just being in the vicinity of the gym is not exercise. You will not burn calories talking to coworkers or stopping to check out ESPN on the overhead monitors. Stop doing laps like you're selecting a machine or you've just been bench pressing in some magically invisible room and you've returned to rest up before your next set. I've seen you at my gym for ages and you're still fat. Apparently ordering a diet coke with your Value Meal at McD's isn't cutting the mustard. And the gym is not your social club. Do I look like I want to talk to you? No. It's a fitness club, operative word being 'fit'. So get on your horse thunderthighs and burn some friggin calories. Otherwise, save money on your gym membership and invest in industrial strength plastics because you're gonna need them.


Jobs that I'd be great at: gym manager, personal trainer, motivational speaker, nutritionist, self help therapist

I don't eat fish. I've been fishing. It felt pointless. Just like voting.

THIS JUST IN!!!

Eminem is getting back together with ex-wife, Kim. Apparently he's running out of material and needs more abuse to rap about.

I have an overactive imagination. Now if I could only transfer that over activity to other aspects of my life, like my thyroid, I'd be all set.

imagine waiting in a line around the block to audition for reality TV.

aaaaaah, such is the world we live in.

okay, i know i'm no advertising whiz kid and my first mistake was actually thinking about this at all, but have you ever really listened to the Manwich jingle?

'I want some fun, piled on a bun.
I want a Manwich, please.'

Ummmmmmmm, yeah. How do you get a job writing jingles because I think I've found a new career opportunity.

I want psychos in my neighborhood!!! psychos and christmas go together like egg nog and crack cocaine...or is it rum? i can never remember.

They can't get power to half of New Orleans still but one guy in Ohio can come up with this? Click here for insanity.

Natural Highs (Volume II)

11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)
(‘cause it brings all the boys to the yard)

12. A bubble bath.
(with a sibling. Mom, aren’t we too old for this yet? Not in Kansas!)


13. Giggling.
(because your boss referred to the ‘penal’ system)

14. A good conversation.
(which is usually with yourself)

15. The beach
(in the fall, because in the summer it’s like a litterbox Disney world crackfest)

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
(and that your coat from last winter doesn’t quite close anymore)

17. Laughing at yourself.
(until your coworkers in the next cubes think you’re crazy)

18. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
(and cost $2 for the first minute and $1 each additional minute)

19. Running through sprinklers.
(because the rich kids with the pool are stuck up)

20. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
(at a hearing to interpret your sanity for trial)

This list to appear in installments:

Natural Highs

I’m sure this was meant to be sentimental. I couldn’t resist embellishing though (my comments in purple)

1. Falling in love.
(and then realizing ‘she’ is a ‘he’)

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
(and then realizing you had to be there.)

3. A hot shower.
(and still that collection of bar stamps on your hand won’t come off)

4. No lines at the supermarket
(because the ‘system’ is down and no one knows how to do math anymore)

5. A special glance.
(from your perverted neighbor)

6. Getting mail
(while in prison)

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
(and realizing you have no idea where you are and are low on gas)

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
(and then realizing it’s just part of one of those song montage ads)

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
(and remembering your car windows are open)

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
(which you hug and nuzzle and get weird looks from your neighbors in the basement laundry of your apt. complex)

in the words of a jewish friend of mine:

"on christmas eve, i used to stay up and listen for santa. i hoped he'd make a mistake and come to my house. don't you feel bad for me now?"

if only life was like Uno - save your hot cards 'til the end and then smoke the motherfuckers with your Draw Four Wild Cards. If only all games were that simple.