crazy asians:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5250971845178619832

i need to get away from Google video.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3506793768736156240

This is reason enough to instate screening at Best Buy to avoid people like Tony purchasing web cams...and CDs.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7008748856381833702

Stewie For Governor

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7539237314685468196&q=%22Family+Guy%22

The Tilt-A-Whirl: Lessons for Life

Before we even knew what physics was, we were studying science while waiting in line at the local carnival. We anxiously examined the ride as it spun and whirred, carefully selecting which cart spun the fastest and the most frequently. We remembered its cart number or color and as soon as the rope was opened, we scattered in predetermined directions to make sure one of us got to the golden cart first. No one wanted to be the fat kid on the outside edge that theoretically made the cart spin all the more. But if it ended up being you, you took one for the team in the name of the carnival gods that ruled the summers of our childhoods. You sat anxiously awaiting the ride to start, knowing that you picked the cart that would bring you to the edge of nausea and back. And as the ride sputtered to life, you held on tight and waited...


...and waited, and waited. And the fucking cart never spun once. Not once! It teased and jostled and hedged, but it never spun around fully. Not a single time! Did I say this was a physics lesson? I lied. Science has no place in carnival rides. The Tilt-A-Whirl is a lesson in life. You study and you wait and you sprint and you end up yelling that the fatty in your cart is on the wrong side and if you are the fatty, you feel reassured that you aren't really fat enough to make a carnival ride spin. And at the end of it, you end up wasting 3 tickets on an uneventful minute of your life watching everyone else's carts spin wildly out of control, secretly hoping the fat kid next to you develops Type II diabetes and never gets asked to the prom. And as the ride slows to a stop, you grumble, get off and mutter whatever explitives you've learned from your parents at that point.

And then what do we do? WE GET BACK IN LINE!!! Because here's another lesson: KIDS ARE STUPID! We all did it. Kids are dumb and come back for more because for some reason, in our twisted brains, we think we've figured it out this time. We bug our parents for more tickets, we get in line, and we do it all again, not realizing that life, like the Tilt-A-Whirl, cannot be figured out by watching and waiting. You just have to get on and hope your fat friend is fat enough. Wait, I mean you just have to get in there and hope for the best and do your best to make that motherfucker spin. And if it doesn't? Your parents are waiting on dry land with more tickets. And doubtlessly, you'll get off the ride and get right back in line. Or maybe you'll go get in some other line. But regardless, you'll keep at it. Whether you get the blue cart or the red cart never really matters; it's that you got on the ride at all that counts.

my album cover 

I think I forgot to acknowledge what I'm thankful for over Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for football. I know, it seems kind of random but it's true. I'm thankful for a sport and the television medium that allows for the display of big fat white men dancing and strutting, all the while proving that white men can't dance and should not do so whether tackling a quarterback or tackling a tequila shot at the local bar.

So we decided the other night that going out drinking without a theme would be meaningless. So we selected Sorority Rush Night. I was one of the pledgemasters and was charged with naming the pledges:

Wobbly H
Basmati Bomber
IBS (I Be Shittin')
BS (Ball Shaver)
POTS (Pass On The Salami)
PIR (Parking In Rear)
Big Pap

My fellow pledgemaster was named 22B NS (No Substitutions) and I was the Potato Rocket. As I'm sure you can guess, the night could only go downhill from there. I kept yelling 'Drink Bitches' at the bar, sometimes at strangers, and I kept referring to myself as the pledgemaster in a WWF style voice. This is why I was never in a real sorority. It facilitates the schizophrenic break I always knew I was capable of.

MENTAL REHYDRATION*:

The act of being too drunk or hungover to get water, so you think/dream about it like it's enough to cure you.

*Thanks to BS (Ball Shaver) for the new vocabulary.

Well, I narrowly survived yet another Thanksgiving and all I have to show for it are some leftovers, a few extra pounds, and a suspiciously large tab from our local bar. Hmmmmmm.....

Like Jerry Springer, I leave you with my final thoughts for Thanksgiving: Eat, Drink (and drink and drink and drink), and be Merry (which is unavoidable after that many drinks - just don't be merry all over your parents' new rug).

Ummmm....I went to a bat mitzvah with an MC Hammer impersonator. I thought I was too legit to quit in my off the shoulder, puffy, floral dress with semi-high heels. Maybe I should point out this was in the 90s. Although, it could just as well have happened last week the way my musical and fashion tastes go.



what?

Apparently Sam, the ugliest dog in the world, died today just shy of his 15th birthday. Ever notice all tragedies occur just shy of someone's birthday? i'd be careful the week before if i were you. but i digress. this little guy isn't ugly, but he's weird alright. i give you Scooter, the wonder fruitcake dog.

What is this phenomenon of going out and getting trashed the night before Thanksgiving? It seems to be this unspoken agenda that everyone's aware of: drink so much that you can't possibly stomach the biggest meal of your life being served the next day.

But I am not one to argue with tradition, of course.

Don't Threaten Me, Cosmo

My recent communication with the Cosmo Customer Service Department:

The only time I have ordered Cosmo was last fall, Oct '04 and I ordered 12 issues. I received a credit alert, conveniently without a phone number or email to contact the Credit & Collections Manager. I'm sure you hope people will just be tired and exasperated enough to just pay without researching what actually happened. I have no idea how or why I would have ordered 14 more issues back in April of '05 when my current subscription had not finished. There has been some mix up and I would like to cancel whatever new subscription that has begun for Oct '05 and I would also like to be sure that my name has been removed from your infamous 'Bad Debt File' that you taunt customers with on your credit alerts. God forbid I don't receive the latest 10 ways to lure men into bed or miss out on 8 fast and easy tips to more shapely buns.

Thank you for your attention and your assistance in this matter.

THE WOBBLY BARN

A wonderful place in the north country

You get wobbly, it's in a barn so you can wear a sweatsuit, and it's in VT so no city bullsh*t. I don't know if they even serve cosmos but I wouldn't ask for one.

Okay so back to bars and charity, this one takes the cake:
An event sponsored and hosted by and at a bar...for the American Liver Organization. Is that counter productive or am I way off track here?

Tonight I am going to an open bar event to raise money for charity. In exchange for a donation of $45, you receive open bar access for 4 hours. Like I needed philanthropic motivation to imbibe. But it works for me! Add to the mix my cohort who will remain nameless says to me last night that we can have a drink or two before we go. Ummmm, have a drink or two BEFORE heading to 4 hours of open bar?






A woman after my own heart.

White People's Guide to Rapping

When you're stuck for a rhyme, try some of these helpful tips:

1) spell it out

2) count

3) count backwards

4) say it in spanish

5) make up a girl's name

6) say 'yeah yeah' til you get enough syllables

7) say the year

8) say your hometown

9) shout out to your peeps

10) use an expensive and desireable brand name

I have unlocked the mystery that is rap. You may go now in peace to love and serve the rhymes.

Incontinence:

a flowery word for crapping your pants often.

i'm gay friendly. i lived with two flamers in London and they were a joy to be around as long as you didn't dis their outfits. no really, i'm totally gay friendly. get married, civil union it up. however, i don't know even in this day and age of growing gaydom if we're ready for a mainstream movie about two gay males, let alone two gay cowboys in the sixties...in Wyoming! Were there even gays in Wyoming in the 90s?

Give the blurb about 'Brokeback Mountain' a read and see if you think America is ready for one of its traditions, the plains wandering cowboy, to get an elton john makeover?

http://www.afterelton.com/columns/2005/10/lastgayword.html


Now reconsider the plot based on the current offerings on the Wyoming Craigs List page:
http://wyoming.craigslist.org/

And just in time for the holidays!

If a tree falls in the woods, and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?


I have no idea. Does anyone ever really care about the answer to that question? I like it better this way: if I'm the leader of the 'free world' and use my powers in office to do 'God's bidding' and protect the 'American people,' is it possible that I'm still as thick as lead? Yes.


See, I like questions with answers.

I think the world would actually be a much happier place if we could slap people across the face whenever we wanted to. Think about it: people would choose their words more carefully becasue they knew a slap was imminent. Or they'd just keep their bullshit to themselves, which would be even better. Why am I not in politics? (Wait, I know this one! I have a drinking problem and anger management issues! Jump back! That would make me perfect for politics. Ted Kennedy ain't got nothin' on me!)

okay, to all my friends (and strangers that may overhear me since i'm loud):

When we're getting ready to go out and i say things like 'i feel like punching someone tonight,' take away whatever I'm drinking and lock me in the closet for the night.

Okay, I know I'm no advertising wiz. But I'd like to think I'm able to put myself in the shoes of an end user or a 'target market.' So who, I would like to know, came up with the pop up ad? No really, I want to know. They may actually be higher on my sh*t list than G Dubya.

I wish I was in the room when some irritating group of males (because I'm sure it was males) in slick suits with gelled hair decided that ads that pop up in front of the user when they're minding their own f*cking business was a great idea. I'm not sure they could anticipate the rage that pop ups encite in many computer users. In fact, the pop up usually has the adverse effect of its original intention. A product that appears on a pop up immediatly garners my distaste, distrust and utter fury at having to once again, click the little X in the corner and wonder when I'll be assaulted again.

So to all those marketers out there who are bringing their ad budgets to the web, you put one more pop up on my computer and I'm coming after you and your entire f*cking family. That's right grandma. Little Billy invented pop ups and now you all must die. Maybe you should have encouraged Billy to be a fireman or a doctor instead of a soul-less advertising executive that stole his partners 'great new pop up idea' as revenge on society for the fact that he has homosexual tendencies and is afraid of breasts and nude beaches.

And no, I do not have rage issues.

I noticed some behavior of mine at work today that drives me round the bend and I have no idea why I do it. I say 'thank you' when it's me doing something for someone else. Maybe they think English is my second language because I have yet to be corrected. Example, I'll do a favor for someone or print something out and hand it to them and say 'all set? okay, thank you!' what? i may as well work at a drive thru fast food place with that attitude.

so apparently the popularity of craigs list has exploded. there's craigs list canada, europe in addition to the various regions of the U.S. that are already covered. so i start thinking, i wonder of the responses and posts on craigs list are representative of the locale (i.e. the 'for sale' link on the west virginia site includes children and homes on wheels).

so first i glance around the home page which is San Fran. there are a total of 64,000 posts under the 'Personals' heading. North Dakota? 132. Intriguing. I delve a little deeper and click on the 'strictly platonic' link for the North Dakota personals page. The postings are separated by weeks, even months. do they have like one computer per town or something? I further the investigation by clicking on the first post from this past Friday. And guess what? it's some chain letter that someone from Boston posted. The next person to read it is supposed to repost it in another city. Ummm...do you really think these North Dakota folks can copy/paste? i figure that chain has hit a dead end. the next post is by some guy who'll be in Fargo on business from NYC and he said in return for a tour of Fargo, he'd buy them a beer and tell them about life in NYC. That's so good of him. Really.

So next i click on the second link under personals, 'women seeking women.' and guess what?
http://nd.craigslist.org/w4w/

i think i need go no further on this one. but some morbid fascination drives me further and against my better judgment, i click on 'men seeking men.' now first of all, you get a disclaimer verifying you're 18 years old (which does not appear on the lesbian page - hmmmm) and then i come upon this:
http://nd.craigslist.org/m4m/107028894.html .



I am never going to North Dakota and all internet service to that state should be terminated.

Ever wonder how long birds and squirrels would live if they weren’t constantly getting run over or electrocuted? Who knows? They could have the tortoise beat by a decade if we’d stop mowing them down while they humbly search for scraps of food to subsist on. And they revert to power lines to escape death by motor vehicle on the ground, only to get enough voltage to power a condo community shot through them. Can’t we all just get along? We do our part by providing feeders and baths but in reality, that’s just PR to cover up the millions of senseless deaths each year.

Now the interesting part: Why has no one stopped this genocide? HMMMM? Since the dawn of time, birds and squirrels have been the transporters of diseases and in recent times, have been used to transport heavy narcotics across the southern border of the U.S. The CIA, FBI and NSA all agree that these animals have been used more in recent years to transport lethal computer viruses and chips with confidential information concerning the drinking and dancing habits of certain high ranking officials. An anonymous source went as far as to theorize that there may even be footage of the president himself engaging in what is suspected to be the Macarena. Speculation suggests that further footage involving the Electric Slide and the Hokey Pokey exist.

Watchdogs have been deployed to monitor the movement of Canadian geese, once thought to be the Switzerland of the bird community. Recent activity suggests that with the growing healthcare crisis in the U.S. and the cost of prescription drugs on the rise, Canada’s recent jump in pharmaceutical activity may be due to illegal border crossing by our feathered friends from the north. Angry U.S. citizens who do not believe in cross border pharmaceutical trade have begun petitioning the removal of Geese Crossing signage nationwide and a taskforce to further the movement has been formed: Amercians Against the Transport of Pharmaceuticals by Winged Couriers from Canada (AATPWCC). Personally, I think they need to work on their name. Signs have been seen recently in business and home windows bearing messages like “Go Home Geese!”, “Don’t you migrate here!”, and “Geese are Gay!”

In other towns where squirrels are more prevalent, signs are surfacing with statements like “Eat my nuts and die!”, “This nut AIN’T for you!”, and “Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut and Sometimes You Want Squirrels Out of Your Friggin Country!” (that one was a little long in my opinion). The White House has remained suspiciously silent when questioned about this growing phenomenon. However, until the problem is officially identified and contained, the White House is apparently relying on private citizens to continue the population control of these furry and feathered drug couriers.

A statement is expected from the White House any day now. Of course, if the statement is written by Mr. President, we expect that statement will need some editing.

Seacrest, out!

Project list:

- Complete new web pages
- Order new digital camera
- Finalize new flyer
- Start Pen15 club at work



This list is obviously not in order by priority.

forget current events. this post on craigs list makes me question the world around me.



http://boston.craigslist.org/m4w/108132346.html

okay, when you put a picture on your personal ad, try not to use one that looks like a mug shot. maybe i'm weird but that's not necessarily the look i would go for.

http://boston.craigslist.org/m4w/108184870.html

oh there's more where that came from:

Mxxx:
I'm like that guy on the raisin bran commercial, where he's crunching away on his cereal and ends up getting promoted? Except I'm not chewing cereal, I'm just not listening to you Axxxxx.

Sxxxx:
im eating cereal. did u get a promotion?

I don't know if this is better read bottom to top or top to bottom. What intellectual discussions evolve at work...

Lxxxxx:

dont EVER send email like that to me at work....

i am trying so hard not to laugh out loud as both my bosses are sitting behind me



me:
Eeew, the juice? I’m sending this to Lxxxx because she’s always saying how much she needs juice. Ha ha, I’m so grossed out right now.

her:
some mammals dont actually have male genitalia, they just shoot the juice out of a duct

her:
i think they do it too.

me:
So odd. What do turtles do?

her:

i dont really know. we jsut researched chickens. and they have sex.

me:
You know what, I've thought about that but never said anything. Hmmm…so is that how it is for all egg laying mammals?

her:

exactly. welli thought the rooser sat on the egg and fertilized it. but turns out they bang. just like all mammals

me:
Oh gotcha. Yeah, that's a good question. The eggs have to get fertilized somehow but who's seen two chickens going at it?

her:
oops i meant whether


me:
Like in the hen house?

her:
as in where they do it or not

me:
As in the physics of it…???

her:

my roomates and i just got into a 2 hours discussion on chicken sex

I find it interesting that in this horrid wasteland of cubicle culture, we email someone within speaking distance. Is it laziness or do we all just have this inner bitch that really just doesn't feel like talking to most people?


you decide today on PEOPLE'S COURT!

I found my roommate's dog feverishly humping my childhood teddy bear this morning.



I have mixed feelings about this.